Do you remeber that person who could hold you just because
you asked to be held? Do you remember that person who didn't
ask why but just knew you were sad or having a bad day?
Or do you remember that person who laughed because you
had a tear in your eye or were downright crying? Do you
remember that person who could not confront their own
bad judgement and called you 'stupid' in the course of a
conversation? Do you remember the person who wanted to
get you on their side told you lies they thought would endear
you to them? Do you remember the person who shared to just
share and never put up a false front?
Between them all I prefer the person you ask to hold you
and they do because they care. I prefer the person who to
this day loves to share life's daily ups and downs.
Not the tv show but 'The Voice' that calls you on the phone or
the voice you wait to hear when you call that person.
Yes we all have that someone that brings a lift to the everyday
drama that encircles our life. The voice on the other end who
knows our heart. who knows our laugh and who shares the joys
and sorrows without judgement but with empathy.
Sometimes there are weeks, months or years between conversations
but you pick up where you left off.
To know that the voice you long to hear can make your life more
easily lived is a true blessing.
I heard that voice recently and still smile throughout my day.
As I start another year I ponder the things of
the past as a barometer of how to measure the
future.
So long ago my parents were sent home from
the hospital with me, their first born to do what
they could before I died. The hospital could do
no more to keep me alive. I was not gaining
weight and not receiving the nourishment to
keep me living. Well, my Mom and her great faith
had a talk with God and I am still here. Mom fed
me with an eye dropper and was awake for days
without sleep keeping watch over me.
In response to a question of should I have tried
harder back then? I believe we all try as best as
we can at the time. There are so many parts of
our life we share. Our resonsibilities to our small
children who look to us for guidance, our work
that saps most of our energy, demanding spouses
or significant others, etc. I do not think anyone
could have or should have made different choices
at various times in their lives. We are just evolving
as our unique selves in our 20's and 30's. By the
timew we reach 40 we get to see what damage or
meaningful work we created.
So many years ago I was separated from my soulmate
by choice. Because I was allowed to give to others in
this life and did not die after going home that spring
with my parents I make choices for those I love -
sometimes forgetting what my heart wants. A little
boy who loved his father kept me in check. It was not
my place to part them. The child would grow to know
his father's faults and goodness also. I wanted him to
stay in his community with the friends he was starting
to build relationships with -some that last today.
Working in my community kept me planted and
unable to leave. My choice -possibly not wise for my
heart has brought me to this time in my life.
Going forward I hope to cherish my close relationships
and to open the world of loving relationships to my
grandson. I hope those who know my heart will stay
on the journey with me.
There seems to be times when we remember
sharing dreams and moments with others who
loved the same things. As we grow wiser and
tend to miss being with certain persons we need
to realize our purpose in life may have unknowingly
separated us from those meaningful people in our
life.
I sometimes selfishly play the 'If only' game and wonder
if things would have played out differently depending
on choices I have made. Then again, did other
people in my life have the same opportunity to make
choices that might have kept us in each other's life?
Maybe to a lesser degree we are still in the hearts,
prayers and minds of those we have touched in our
life.
As I approach another milestone birthday I see the good
things I have done and have only been able to accomplish
because I was truly loved many years ago by that soulmate
companion who briefly shared time with me. Now separated
by miles we have renewed our committment to each other
by written word and occasional phone calls. We rely on the
judgement calls of each other and respect the unique lives
we have carved out for ourselves.
No longer should we play the 'If only' game because we have
given our similar gifts to those who need them around us. We
were meant to be apart so that we could create precious family
moments and leave a certain legacy behind.
I am forever grateful to know I learned valuable ways to love
and be loved so many years ago. Don Henley said it well in
the song, "Wasted Time' -'so you go on with your life, baby
and I'll go on with mine and we'll know it wasn't all wasted
time.'
In 97 days I will be on my next cruise.
Even with the recent tragedy in Italy
I seek vacation on a cruise ship.
I cruise once a year now and am hoping
to increase that to twice a year as I ease
toward retirement In retirement I hope
to change that number to 4 or 6 times
a year -being able to jump on those
last minute discount deals.
I have been cruising on and off for the
past 30 years and have seen the dramatic
changes in the industry. I see the terrific
value in a cruise vacation also. I paid more
to take my son on a cruise in 1988 than I did
in 2011 when I took my son, his wife and my
grandson to the Caribbean.
This year the excitement while traveling with
a couple of my cousins is having a Spa Cabin
on the Carnival Dream. Access to therapy pools,
saunas, and the works is thrilling. I'll grab a couple
Spa treatment deals also. The Oxygen Facial my
daughter-in-law and I had last year was amazing.
Next year in addition to crusing with adults I will
undertake the 'family style' crusing with my grandson.
We were going to take a New England and Canada
cruise before school started but he changed that.
He told me Nickelodeon has a cruise with all the
characters -so that's our 2013 choice. That cruise
will lead us to our 2014 choice of the new Disney
Fantasy Cruise.
It's fun to plan and it's fun to enjoy each magical
voyage. I'm sure I will have much to blog about
after Memorial Day.
Such an absurd question, 'Did you
ever love a Boy Scout' ?
Maybe after many, many, many years
I learned that I fell for a Boy Scout and
didn't know it at the time.
The tendencies for a Boy Scout to be
honest, loyal, trustworthy, etc., etc. don't
really enter your mind. You may just wonder
why he is so genuine with you.
You may not realize that he has conditioned
his actions to reveal his true character. Oh, my
dear woman you should be so flattered. Sad
to say his feelings for you may be true but
he treats many others in his life the same way.
You will be proud to walk by his side and share
meaningful conversation. You may never know
where he got his strong convictions or willingness
to help others but you'll never forget you fell in
love with a Boy Scout.
Feeling the need to spend time on my blog gives me the opportunity
to remember those dearest to my heart at the time of the year when
the retail market hopes we lay down a lot of cash.
To me the time to tell others we love them is not just one time a year.
It's nice to let them know that we care throughout the year.
Lately I learn lessons of love from my grandson. Sure he asks for
everything when we are at the mall or on any shopping adventure.
After a few hundred 'no's' we get down to brass tacks. He just
usually wants to cuddle on the couch and chat. He truly appreciates
everyone in his life who loves him. He shows that he is genuinely
happy to see you when you enter a room to see him.
Maybe Valentine's Day is better observed through a young child's
eyes.
While the sadness of Amy's death surrounds me I cannot
believe my first thoughts of the loss of great musical talent
at age 27. I recap in my mind -Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix,
Jim Morrison (but do not remember Kurt Cobain only because
he was not from my generation-love his work but did not know
the age he died).
I do not see an enormous body of work left behind by Amy.
What I know of her work is that I loved it all. I remember
the gals in my office sequestered in cubicles singing new words
to 'Rehab' as a testimony to work tasks we did not want to accept.
Try it you may have fun, 'They tried to make me............I just said
'No, No, No' -it just may make your day go better.
When Janis, Jimi,Jim & Kurt exited this life the immediate news
by internet was not part of their world. If technology did not give
us such an immediate access into celebrity lives we may have had
Amy amongst us a little while longer.
I for one want to scoop up the remains of her work plus her duet
with Tony Bennett to just know I can leave a little something
for her family she leaves behind.
Amy, I for one will tell anyone who wants me in rehab, 'No, No, No,'
May you now rest in peace and have fun in Rock and Roll Heaven &
no longer be judged for who you are.
As I reach another mile marker in the age
category I have attained part of my 'real
age' goal to make 60 the new 50.
Last summer I started out with the Real
Age test and was right around my regular
chronological age.
My 'Real Age Test' is now 55 and I plan to
hit 50 or lower during this year.
Physically, emotionally and mentally I am
feeling my best age ever. Mainly knowing
that I have made some good and bad decisions
over the years and lived through them with
the grace of God is no small feat.
I can look back on the lives of my son, daughter-in-law
and grandson and see the happiness in my life.
I can share past and present happenings with
a dear friend and know that our experiences
keep our friendship alive and well.
Is 60 the new 50? I plan to make it true.
While my grandson spent the night last night I
realized that sometimes children are not the only
ones who need to be held sometimes at night.
He let me know that if I could just hold him till
he fell asleep then he wouldn't be afraid of the
monsters. Even as adults if we just hold that
special person at night we keep the monsters
away from them. Oh -it's so true!
I am not one to celebrate 'traditional' calendar
holidays like 'Mother's Day' at the Sunday
Brunch with mothers of various degrees of
grey,brown,black & blonde hair coloring shades.
I also don't believe a date on the calendar is the
only time your child or children should remember
their Mom.
Last night into the early Mother's Day hours I was
at a local rock club watching my son's first band
headline a 20th reunion show of thrash metal.
Yeah these various former and some current
rock musicians just screamed it loud and boldly,
'Come get your Mother's Day!' And guess what?
I did and I loved it!
I reminded the guys in my son's former band that
they are now the age I was when I first started
showing up to their shows at that very club over
20 years ago. That was something to mull over!
The rest of the evening was getting to see old fans
of my son's first band plus a few old high school
buddies of the band (yeah they went to grade school
and high school together). I also got to see and spend
time with musicians in my son and daughter-in-law's
current music circle. Club scenes always lend the
time to meet new music fans also.
Until the headliners took stage I almost forgot what
those 'garage band' days were to 3 high school friends.
Then hearing my son on his double base pedals working
his entire drum kit with a disciplined frenzy much different
after years of study and cross country touring than that
young drummer over 20 years ago I realized he became
who he wanted to be. My son wanted to be a professional
drummer -and so he is. As a Mom I get to watch him perfect
his craft -time and time again. Every club show, every concert,
every cd release is Mother's Day for me.
No matter what your taste in music it may be hard to grasp
that musicians are people with families just like you & I even
when their lyrics or musicality is not soothing to the ear.
I spent time talking to lots of Moms last night out with hubbys
or just their girlfriends. I spoke to sons whose Moms are just
the best in their eyes but maybe not into the rock club scene.
So if you ever run across a band who plays, 'The Ballad of Jimi
Hendrix' or 'The Ballad of Jim Morrison' or 'The Ballad of Elvis'
and you have any angst or troubles bothering you just remember
your audience participation line to yell back to the band, 'He's Dead!'
Then smile to yourself and remember you are still living and have
a Happy Mother's Day or Father's Day or Valentine's Day each
day you continue to live.
Thanks to my son for one of the best Mother's Days ever!
If you have a hero it may not be anyone else's hero
Your hero may be a parent, another relative, a teacher,
a mentor, a friend, a co-worker, an activist, etc.
No matter who you consider a hero you will agree why
heroes are the same to everyone
A hero inspires us to be better than we are
A hero makes us believe in the impossible
A hero teaches us to be courageous when we think we can't
A hero keeps us believing that we can be a hero to someone
If we only believe we can do a few things to claim hero
status -it may only be to a small person who looks at
us in love
I'm sure I have heroes who don't claim such status but their
life has proven to be hero status in my eyes
Some heroes to me are older and some are younger
Some of my heroes know who they are and discount the title
Some of my heroes may never know I claim them as such
Those heroes are the ones who others also claim as their hero
Remember when just holding hands was enough
Remember when being held closely was enough
Remember when laughing at each other was enough
Remember when an evening out nowhere special was enough
Remember when not have money but having each other was enough
Remember when late night phone conversations was enough
Remember when an unexpected letter or card was enough
Remember when just being special to someone else was enough
Today it's still enough in some people's eyes
More the rock music fan than the
country fan I am endeared to Trace
Adkins and this song in particular.
'You're Gonna Miss This' and the
chorus: You're gonna miss this,
you're gonna want this back
you're gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast
are so intertwined with many points
of our daily lives.
If we look back to when our children
were babies or each year as they grew
If we look at our community at large
and remind ourselves of the attempt
we made as volunteers to make it better
If we spent time with family & friends
who are no longer here or near to us
If we attempt to bring laughter to those
who are struggling
These and countless others are times
we miss as we travel through our
life's journey.
After just spending nearly a month in
daily conversation with a distant friend
we both commented, 'I'm gonna miss this.'
God says to me- You are strong now
You may have to travel alone
I say to God -I need to follow the lessons
I learn from my friend
God says to me - I may need him to do
other work now
I say to God - I think he still has work to do
God says to me -Maybe he should stay but
the pain may be great and the journey
may be tough
I say to God -Let me be the one he needs
like all the times I needed him in my struggles
So God allows us to travel some more, my friend
When others mistake your trials as a time to quit
I see your fierce drive to forge ahead
When I speak to God -He knows I see your spirit
& your soul and the ideals you wish to give to
family and friends
When I speak to God I realize I have never seen
your mere physical presence but I see the eyes
and spirit of a true friend who inspires me to be
my best
When I speak to God I learn what the test of time
does to our friendship -it endures and it keeps us
both on a path to leave a legacy for our children
When I speak to God I ask Him to give you joy and
happiness
When I speak to God I remind Him you are my hero
When I speak to God I ask Him to allow me the grace
to be your hero when you need one.
Another year rolls by and my son
has aged another year.
I think we look at the years gone
by as lessons learned and friends
remembered.
We tend to cherish and renew old
freindships and relationships as the
years roll on.
Other relationships have shifted and
been lost through death and distance.
I am glad for each year that passes to
see the challenges my son faces and
solves as a husband, father,musician
and son. He has more patience than
I ever had but I remember being young
and taking it in stride when he was
growing up. My granson -that's a new
and daring episode in our lives. He has
his own computer at almost 4 years old.
At 4 years old neither my son or myself
knew a computer could be in your home.
Times change so rapidly now we can only
hope that each new birthday doesn't stop
us from being up close and personal with
those we love.
Today I wish the best for my son and all he
plans and sets goals to achieve. I know he
is working toward helping others achieve
also. Caring for the dreams of others and
watching their efforts is something I hope
I taught him to always seek.
Caught the Oscar nominated flick
at the local neighborhood 'cheap
cinema' today.
Now I have a hard thought process
to choose between Clooney & Bridges.
Both supurb performances. Different
types of movies -but both comedic.
Clooney's movie just really touches the
strangeness in our economy and doesn't
leave us with any thought on things changing.
There is a unique touch that Jason Reitman
uses in this film to let the audience view the
feelings of actual people who have been laid
off. Only several of the 'fired' workers are
actors. The emotions are raw and real. This
movie should be the wake up call to our do
nothing Congress to get America back to work.
Maybe we should fire half of the politicians and
leave them without retirement or healthcare and
see how fast the tables turn.
My new favorite song is 'According to You'
by Orianthi. At such a young age (25) to be
able to write a song that really tells boys &
men that women and young girls will make
some choice that some guys won't like.
I don't know who gave some men the notion
that women are not their intellectual equals.
I don't know who gave some men the right to
belittle women and wonder why they leave.
According to me the choice between men who
respect and care for you is an easy choice.
Maybe those who listen to this song will agree.
As a little side note: Orianthi will be direct support
for John Mayer this spring in Australia. Mr. Relationship
Bad Boy and the wild guitarist girl with the angst in
her heart for the bad boys. This should be a good tour!
There are plenty of days I just can't
keep up with the texting lingo (I do
not text!) because I work in an area
that searches for correct english &
spelling. I receive very little of each.
Sometimes I feel like I am translating
a foreign language to find the correct
spelling or content in an email.
I recently stumbled onto the term MFEO.
As we approach Valentine's Day it is only
fitting to reflect on MFEO. Whether past
or present there is that term MFEO that
lingers in our mind.
Some people are lucky enough to still
share feelings or even a daily life with
that person. In youth what we glamourized
in that MFEO connotation has soured and
left us with our reality.
Others, like myself found out too late that
the person who fit the bill MFEO came along
after we 'settled for' Mr Right Now. We thought
we could change him or her. We would stick
it out through the long haul. It would eventually
work out.
I still know who that MFEO is in my life. We have
distance between us but occasionally are in contact.
The time we share is as new as the first time we met.
We are only 'fun' to each other. Our humor and banter
only thrill us. We have lives filled with obligations and
family. Sometimes MFEO doesn't mean you get to
'be together'.
Finally the Oscar nominated movie,
'Crazy Heart' has come to a theater
near me.
I saw this masterpiece slice of Americana
yesterday. Jeff Bridges is marvelous and
seems to morph the character of Bad Blake
so well it doesn't appear to be acting.
I see a lot of the musician struggles in this
character that are previlant in all genres
of music. The 'aging' musician pushed aside
by the younger up and coming next best
thing.
I also could relate to how alcohol can blur
anyone's sense of reality. I wonder many
years later how I left my son in his father's
care when I should have done otherwise.
I think my son explained that it was ok
because there were always other people
around so that his father didn't put him in
harm's way. I truly believe in miracles and
angels -I think it's how my son survived his
father's addictions and mental illness.
